
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8525182.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Inside_Out_(2015)
  Relationship:
      Riley_Andersen/Original_Male_Character
  Character:
      Riley_Andersen, Sadness_(Inside_Out), Original_Male_Character(s)
  Additional Tags:
      Post-Canon, Graphic_Non-Con, Angst, Underage_Sex, Sexual_Abuse, Power
      Imbalance, Implied_Age_Gap, Internal_Victim_Blaming, Abuse_of_Authority,
      Bad_Touch, Groping, Fingering, Rough_Sex, Sadism, Childhood_Sexual_Abuse,
      Crueltide, Misses_Clause_Challenge, Dead_Dove:_Do_Not_Eat
  Collections:
      Yuletide_2016
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-12-24 Words: 8000
****** Out of Sight, Not Far from My Mind ******
by KeenWolf
Summary
     Riley sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and remembers the
     things that the man did to her.
     Sadness tries her best, but she just doesn’t understand why these
     memories won’t stay hidden.
Notes
     I was quite intrigued by your Inside Out request notearchiver. Sorry
     it took me so long to finish it. =D
     There are a few non-consensual sexual acts that were too briefly
     mention to put in the tags, please see the end note for a list of
     them if you need that.
See the end of the work for more notes
Sadness is supposed to be on dream duty tonight, but a nightmare woke Riley up
and now she’s tossing and turning.
Inside Riley’s mind, the memories that Sadness has been trying so hard to hide
have found their way back into headquarters again. Whenever Riley wakes from a
nightmare, the hidden memories will rush out of the retrieval pipe and find
their way down into the core, pushing all of Riley’s other core memories onto
the floor in a rush as they start another replay. Then there’s nothing Sadness
and Riley can do but wait until they stop.
Riley tries to block them out, which is just as ineffective as Sadness’
attempts to hide them. This has been happening more and more often; it’s now up
to two or three nights a week that Sadness and Riley end up forced to relive
these memories.
Tonight a memory of the man from the first day of hockey camp is playing on the
screen. He looms over Riley, one hand spread wide over her naked chest as he
easily holds her down on the bed. Riley’s hands desperately scramble against
him, trying to push him away, but it’s like trying to move a mountain. She’s
just so much smaller than him. He’s smiling down at her while his other hand
works between her legs.
It’s cold in the room and Riley is nude. The man forced her to strip, his
camera clicking while he circled her as she took off all of her clothing, but
he’s still fully dressed. He ordered Riley to spread out on the bed,
photographing her in various positions until finally he set his camera down and
crawled on top of her.
Sadness feels Riley’s shame as she struggles, her bare legs kicking uselessly
on either side of the man’s body as his fingers probe deep inside her.
Sadness and Riley have been forced to watch this memory over and over and every
time Sadness wishes she could have done something back when it was made. But at
the time, no matter what buttons she pressed or levers she pulled, the control
panel had remained stubbornly dormant and gray as soon as the man had entered
the room and turned on the light.
In the memory he’s pushing three fingers into Riley and the thick stinging
stretch of them thrusting in and out is making her sob and writhe. Sadness has
come to realize that the man enjoys making Riley feel helpless because no
matter how much Riley begs and pleads he doesn’t stop; she can only suffer
through it.
Riley learned that lesson the first time the man touched her down there.
Back then none of the emotions realized Riley’s affection for her coach was
dangerous; they all loved and trusted the older man just as much as Riley. The
man had always been affectionate, paying a lot of attention to Riley. It made
Fear uncomfortable sometimes. But Joy—Joy was always excited and happy when the
man focused on Riley. She took it extra hard whenever he paid more attention to
someone else. It was like all of Riley’s many, many crushes at the time, all
consuming and heartbreaking.
At some point Anger had the bright idea that Riley should make more mistakes in
the hopes that the man would start paying attention to her again and it worked
for a little while.
But a few practices later, the man was unexpectedly short with Riley. And
things got worse during the practice following a particularly crushing defeat.
He yelled at her and pulled her aside, angrily telling her that he knew she
could play better than that, and that he was very disappointed in her. Then he
made her sit out, all alone, until the end of practice. She watched her team
play while the emotions inside her head erupted in turmoil, yelling and arguing
with each other as memory after memory was made, all of them a cascade of blue
with little touches of other colors.
A numbness spread through Riley and her control panel, making it gray and
unresponsive to anything the emotions did.
They’d only just started getting used to the new upgraded panel. It was so
finicky that Joy tried assigning each of the emotions a chunk of the new
instruction manuals, hoping that with just a little effort they could figure
out just why the new panel seemed to be so much glitchier than any of its
predecessors. It didn’t work, though, because the only one who really read the
manuals was Sadness and there were just too many of them for one emotion to get
through.
But that wasn’t the only thing that was new.
Anger had tripped over the trap door on the floor a week after the new panel
was installed, sending him into a screaming meltdown. But when they opened the
door they’d found it filled with wondrous things. It led to the maze-like realm
of Riley’s subconscious. It wasn’t like the area Sadness and Joy had explored
back when they were searching for a way to return to the control room; this
area contained all of Riley’s unconscious thoughts, not just her fears. In
there, Riley was brimming with all sorts of untapped possibilities.
That was when the emotions realized that there would probably always be more of
Riley’s mind for them to explore. The trap door was always changing: sometimes
it had a ladder or a slide or an elevator inside it and every time it was
opened it would take the emotions to new places and new adventures, leading
them to understand Riley better.
Joy usually trusted Sadness to be in charge when the other emotions ventured
down into Riley’s subconscious—a trust left over from their previous adventures
that Sadness wasn’t sure she deserved. Sometimes Sadness would be left there
waiting hours or days for them to return, but they always came back with new
ideas and new ways to fix Riley’s problems.
That night, Sadness and Fear were left alone in headquarters, while Joy dragged
Anger and Disgust down with her to look for a way to turn the control panel
back on.
Joy had waved from the door, a big happy smile on her face, before giving a
stern warning to Fear not to faint. He had begun to do that more and more
often, jumping at shadows and freaking out more then usual and none of them
knew why. Sure, a lot of new things were happening to Riley, but the other
emotions seemed to be handling it fine.
At least that’s what Sadness had thought at the time. Now she realized just how
untrue that was. They’d all missed the smaller changes in each other, but
Fear’s sudden escalating fainting issues were so obvious that everyone was
worried. They just didn’t know what to do.
Fear was all worked up and during a small window when Sadness was distracted,
Fear decided Riley needed to talk to the coach alone before he talked to her
parents. He flipped up the protective plastic shield on the control panel and
slammed his fist down on the Lying button before Sadness could stop him. Even
though the control panel was completely gray and unresponsive, somehow the
Lying button went down and got stuck there. They both freaked out, watching
helplessly as Riley began lying to everyone around her, even her parents, until
she was able to stay late at the rink so she could face the man alone. Sadness
and Fear watched from afar in helpless horror as Honesty Island came crashing
down.
The man led Riley down into the basement of the rink, but instead of going to
his office he led her down the hall to an empty storage room. Closing the door
behind them he told her he was kicking her off the team. The headquarters’
lights flickered and then darkened. Fear screamed before fainting, leaving
Sadness alone by herself. She tried to wake Fear up, panicking a little when he
was unresponsive. Sadness didn’t know what to do.
Shocked, Riley started crying, desperately arguing with the man, begging for
another chance, promising that she wouldn’t mess up again. The coach accused
Riley of messing up on purpose, and when she tried to deny it, he got even
madder.
He told her the only way she’d be let back on the team was if she were punished
for wasting his time. Riley eagerly agreed, relieved that it would all be okay
and she would be able to stay on the team, with her friends, with him. Sadness
wasn’t sure how to feel as the man sat down in a chair and waved Riley closer.
The headquarters seemed to dim, getting darker and colder all around her.
Something was wrong.
The man bent Riley over his lap.
His strong arms held Riley pinned as he yanked her pants and underwear down to
her knees, completely exposing her in the cold room. Sadness felt Riley’s shame
and embarrassment, Riley had been spanked before, but it had always been her
dad, it was shocking that her coach was going to do that to her. It stung too,
she didn’t want the man to think of her as child. The sound of his open palm
slapping Riley’s ass echoed in the room. Riley jumped at the stinging sensation
of the hit, her eyes watering. The man hit her much harder than Riley’s father.
Every slap caused the lights in headquarters dim, quickly plunging Sadness into
darkness.
Still, Sadness knew Riley could handle a spanking. However, after a few slaps,
the man stopped to run his hand over Riley’s burning ass cheeks and then down
lower to touch her between her legs. Riley froze at the touch, holding her
breath, her heart beat racing, unsure of what was happening. It felt wrong. The
man’s voice was loud in the quiet room as he commented on Riley’s pussy while
his fingers rubbed into her, sliding between her folds as he felt around until
he found her opening.
Later, Anger would joyfully comment about the brand new curse words on the
control panel, but Sadness couldn’t look at them without remembering how Riley
had learned them while she was face down over the man’s knee.
Riley started to squirm at the touches, but when the man began pushing a finger
deep inside her, she froze in shock. The stretch of his finger felt weird and
burned a little as he forced it further into her opening. Her body stretched
around the intrusion and then the man started thrusting it in and out of her,
twisting it now and then. She’d never been touched like this before and it felt
awful, but Riley couldn’t do anything to stop it.
The man pulled his finger out and then started spanking her again, all the
while telling her how good she was being. Riley lay there panting and
terrified, letting the man do whatever he wanted. A layer of ice sprang up all
around Sadness, making her jump up in a panic. Sadness left Fear passed out on
the floor to dash over to the useless control panel. She banged her fists
against it in desperation as the ice followed her, freezing her feet to the
floor while again the man’s hand slipped between Riley’s cheeks and his finger
pushed inside her.
The ice spread rapidly until it covered Sadness completely, freezing her hands
to the control panel as icicles formed on the ceiling. Time seemed to stretch
into an eternity, while Sadness could only watch with her eyes frozen open.
Tears streaming down her face, Riley repeated whatever the man demanded,
pleaded with him that she was sorry, but it was no use. He told her that this
was what she deserved as he kept spanking and fingering her until she finally
went completely limp in his lap. He stroked her hair as she lay there
trembling, his finger still pushed deep inside her, a strange unwelcome
feeling.
Sadness hoped that maybe now it would be over, but the man just leaned back and
Riley heard the sound of him unzipping his pants. The ice surrounding Sadness
grew thicker as Riley turned her head to see the man pulling his dick out.
Riley had never seen one before. It looked weird and red, but she couldn’t
focus on it that for very long before the man began to push two fingers into
her. It no longer felt weird, it stung and burned like nothing she’d felt
before. Riley froze, not sure what to do, but trying to hold as still as the
man started thrusting his fingers fast and hard into her. It hurt, but the man
didn’t stop until he moan his finger slowly coming to a stop inside her. Riley
lay there gasping for air, silently crying as she felt something cold and wet
on her back.
Her coach gently stroked Riley’s hair as she shook, praising her for taking her
punishment so well, telling her how good she’d been. But it didn’t feel good
and when he removed his fingers from Riley. It left behind an ache deep inside
her that lingered. Sadness could only watch helplessly as a bright blue core
memory of the man’s punishment rolled down the icy ramp, only to get stuck in
the frozen gear that should have sent it down into the core memories.
After wiping her back off and pulling up Riley’s clothing, the coach rubbed
away her tears and told her that, since she’d been so good, she could still
continue to play on the team. But, he warned Riley, he’d be watching her.
Riley fled the room to hide in the bathroom, her ass throbbing painfully, and
her face red. Feeling completely beaten down, she locked herself in a stall and
cried. She clenched her legs closed, trying to ignore the painful sensation
inside her. Sadness could feel Riley’s uncertainty and helplessness. Riley knew
she had agreed to the punishments and had even begged for it and yet it still
felt wrong.
Later, after splashing water on her face, Riley was relieved to look in the
mirror and see that her reflection didn’t look any different from before. But
Sadness knew it wasn’t okay because she was still frozen in the dark, icy
headquarters of Riley’s mind.
The Lying button was still stuck down when Riley called her parents, but the
ice started to melt faster as soon as the sound of their voices was echoing in
Riley’s ears, soothing her pain and fear. However, she didn’t tell them what
had happened, instead she claimed that she’d been given extra training. Sadness
barely managed to work her way free so she could rush over and grab the blue
core memory right as the thawing gear started to turn. The blue memory felt
cold in Sadness’ hands as it played an image of the man beckoning Riley closer
over and over. Even though it was a core memory, Sadness couldn’t put it in the
core. Riley didn’t want anyone to know about what had happened and Sadness
decided she couldn’t let any of the other emotions to see it either.
Sadness rushed around desperately, looking for a way to hide it.
That was the first time Sadness noticed all the little hiding spaces that had
popped up in between the walls, the floors, and the furniture. She shoved the
memory into an empty space inside a wall and shifted some of the piles of
manuals over it so it looked like just another shelf. It was as if just putting
the memory out of sight made Riley feel lighter. The headquarters started to
brighten and the control panel finally started to spring back to life, though
the Lying button remained stuck.
Sadness sighed in relief. The ice was almost gone—as if it had never been
there—and she set about trying to shake Fear awake again. Fear woke up right
when Joy, Disgust, and Anger came back up from Riley’s subconscious. Joy
bouncing with excitement in her eagerness to share the epic adventure they’d
just had in the depths of Riley’s mind.
Joy abruptly cut off her story when she noticed Honesty Island was gone,
freaking out when she open the core to find the gray core memory that had once
been Honesty Island’s touchstone. Anger and Disgust waved it off, a lot less
broken up about it, and Disgust casually mentioned that now there was so much
more Riley could get away since she didn’t have to tell the truth. Joy was
unmoved and demanded to know what had happened when they’d been gone.
All of them, even Fear, turned to Sadness. But even faced with Joy’s worried
face and direct questions, Sadness found she just couldn’t tell her the truth
of what had happened. It would destroy Joy to know. She loved the coach the
most out of all of them and thought only the best of him.
Riley wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened and Sadness helped by hiding the
memory and lying to the other emotions, focusing almost entirely on Fear’s
actions and glossing over what had happened later.
Lying felt wrong, but Sadness found it so easy. Everyone seemed to blindly
accept her awkward lie without question and were quickly distracted by other
problems. Joy freaked out about the Lying button, which started an hour long
argument with Fear. Sadness lay down on the floor as they yelled and felt
terrible, watching Riley’s blank face, reflected back in the window as her
parents drove her home. Riley shifted in her seat and Sadness knew it was
because Riley could still feel the sensation of the man’s fingers inside her.
Sadness let the other emotions pick up the slack around her as they tried to
figure out just how to fix Riley’s Lying button.
As the days passed the other emotions repeated Sadness’ lie, all them coming to
believe that Riley had been given a stern lecture by the coach and was too
embarrassed to tell anyone about. It didn’t matter that Sadness and Riley knew
differently. Riley didn’t tell anyone what had actually happened—not even her
parents.
Sadness tried to be like Riley and put it out of her mind, trying to focus on
her work. But then it happened again.
It got to the point, where the coach would just look over at Riley and her
control panel would start acting up causing the other emotions to freak out.
Joy had taken to thinking the subconscious had to hold the key to fixing the
glitches and nothing could change her mind. By the time the other emotion were
away from headquarters searching for solutions, Riley and Sadness would find
themselves alone with man again and again. And the punishments were getting
worse.
The other emotions didn’t know what was happening, but Sadness was trapped.
Both when she was covered in ice watching the man touch Riley and later at
night when the memories would play.
Sadness shook herself out of the past, focusing on the memory playing on the
screen as she watched the coach press Riley down on the bed. He laughed at
Riley’s struggles as his fingers moved inside her. Sadness knew that Riley
hated the painful burn of his fingers. Riley was hoping the man would finish
soon, but Sadness knew it was going to take a while; the man hadn’t even opened
his pants yet.
Sometimes the man would finish Riley’s punishments sooner if she stopped
resisting and let him do whatever he wanted, but sometimes he enjoyed pushing
her even more. Looking back now, Sadness feels like the man’s pleasure always
took forever.
Sadness can sometimes hear the coach talking to Riley in her memories, but not
tonight. In this viewing all she can hear is Riley’s panicky breathing and
pained cries as the fingers force her pussy wide open around them. Riley had
grown used to the man’s fingers in her, but every time it stopped hurting, the
man would add another finger until it hurt again. Riley whimpered, ashamed of
the sounds, but unable to stop.
She’s terrified of those noises, afraid that someone will hear her.
Sadness watches as Riley looks down, feeling the ache as the man pulls his
fingers out of her. Sadness knows that Riley doesn’t want him to touch her, but
at the same time, without the man’s touch the room feels so much colder. Riley
shivers, goosebumps rising on her flesh as the coach reaches for his belt and
finally opens his pants.
Sadness wants to look away and sometimes she does as the memories play, but it
doesn’t help. She can still remember how the memories were made, can still feel
the ice holding her still, keeping her eyes on the screen. In the end, she
always goes back to watching; she doesn’t want Riley to be alone with these
memories.
There are so many memories of the man’s dick in the pile. Over time Riley has
come to know the shape of it well, the way it stiffens in her hand when she’s
forced to touch it, the way the skin slides on the shaft when she strokes it,
the hot solid weight of it in her hand. That was all before the man started
telling her to lick it.
Riley is ashamed of just how much she’s learned about sucking the man’s dick.
She knows just how to run her tongue up and down its length. She’s been taught
how he wants her to suck on the tip, swirling her tongue around and around.
Riley knows how it tastes. Sadness doesn’t know which is worse, the early
flavor when Riley has just started licking it or the full flavor that lingers
in her mouth long after he comes.
The memories for both like to show up sometimes when Sadness and Disgust are
alone in headquarters, as if Riley wants Disgust to see them. Sadness is sure
that Disgust would have a lot to say about Riley putting her mouth on the
coach’s dick, but Sadness tries really hard to make sure that Disgust never
finds out. Even though the memories try to trip Disgust or fall from the
ceiling near her head, Sadness has managed to catch them every time.
Late nights like these remind Sadness just how much Riley has learned about
pleasuring the man. Riley knows how to touch him, how to lick him, and how to
take all of the man’s dick into her mouth. Riley tries so hard not to choke as
the man forces her head down on it. She’s gotten better at swallowing around it
when his dick hits up against the back of her throat and makes her eyes tear
up. It feels like it’s gagging her, but the man likes forcing her all the way
down on every stroke, until he finally pulls her off so he can come on her
face.
Riley remembers the feeling of the man’s dick sometimes when she swallows. The
memories of it choking her will pop up out of the tube and start playing on the
projection screen. The other emotions think it’s some sort of sexual fantasy,
but Sadness knows it’s not. She always has to knock it away or shove another
memory into its place. Luckily none of the other emotions seem to realize what
it is, but it’s getting harder and harder to catch, and Sadness feels frayed at
the edges.
Being forced to suck the man’s dick had seemed like the worst thing Riley had
ever endured before the memory that’s currently playing.
Riley’s parents had talked to her at some point about sex and had given her a
book that showed naked people in it. Disgust and Fear had taken to projecting
the memory of the book at all different times of the day so they could comment
about how gross and scary it was, while Joy and Anger had been the voices of
excitement. Sadness had stayed out of it at the time not sure how she felt yet.
However, Riley’s experiences with her coach have colored Sadness’ view of the
photos in the book.
The man’s dick has always seemed so much bigger and scarier than any of the
ones in that book. In this memory it’s already flushed hard and red. The
coach’s dick stands at attention as he fists it, stroking in lazy enjoyment.
The swollen tip emerges from his grip on every stroke and in the memory Riley
doesn’t yet understand why the man isn’t pushing her to touch or lick it.
Both Sadness and Riley know what happens next, but they are powerless to do
anything as the memory plays and the man smiles ominously, letting his dick
swing down to smack against Riley’s pussy. In the memory Riley jumps at the
sensation, startled, finally realizing that he’s going to stick his dick inside
her.
Sadness watches as Riley start to panic in the memory, struggling uselessly
against the coach as he laughs. She tries to scramble away, but the man tugs
her back under him. Pulling her hips up, the man keeps her pinned as he easily
bends her in half so her legs are over his shoulders in the air. The man’s dick
rubs on her pussy and she freezes as the heavy weight of it slides on her like
a snake. The man reaches down and works his dick between her folds, rubbing
around in there until he finds her opening.
The memory feels like an open wound to Sadness. The earlier memories of the
book on sex seem so innocent and wrong that Sadness has to hold herself back
from touching the memories of the book anytime they show up in the projector.
Sex is no longer an abstract thing to Riley, but Sadness can’t tell any of the
other emotions about it. Recently she’s taken to pushing the sex book memories
away with her foot and secretly sending them down to long term storage, if only
to get them out of headquarters. She knows what she’s doing is wrong, but if
she doesn’t get rid of them, she won’t be able to stop herself from touching
them and turning them blue.
Sadness watches as the man leans over Riley and time seems to stop, like the
moment right before Riley jumped off the pier and into cold, cold water.
There’s a moment of fear, of floating, of hanging, right before the man starts
pushing his dick inside her.
In the present, Riley tries to shut her eyes and block out the memory,
trembling under the covers as tears roll down her face. But the memory keeps
playing regardless.
Riley’s body opens painfully around the man’s dick. She remembers how big and
thick it was, and how every inch of its progress burned. Riley’s back arches in
the memory as she desperately tries to relieve the pressure and pain. Nothing
helps. Riley still remembers the feeling of it, the memory popping up sometimes
when boys talk to her, making her stumble over words no matter how quickly
Sadness replaces the memory with something else.
Whenever Riley stumbles, Anger gets upset and thankfully distracts the other
emotions from Sadness’ switch. Only now it seems that Anger is always upset at
the littlest of things, worse then ever before, and none of the other emotions
know what to do with him.
Riley has gotten into so many fights with boys this year, even the ones that
Joy and Disgust seem to like. Anger’s head is almost always yellow and ready to
explode.
In the memory, the man is panting against Riley’s face and into her hair. His
hands grab her legs, tugging them wider apart so he can thrust himself further
inside. The man’s dick pushes into her inch by inch. Riley’s shaking. She
doesn’t want this, but he doesn’t care and time seems to slow again. His dick
sinks its way inside her like a big rock disappearing into deep water.
Later, in another memory, he’ll tell Riley that it actually makes him sad that
she no longer cries when he fucks her pussy. So sometimes, to make it special
again, he’ll fuck her in the ass.
But that’s a different memory, one that Sadness hopes doesn’t start playing
next.
On the screen the man’s dick is now all the way inside Riley. He pauses for one
brief moment and all Sadness can hear is Riley’s pained gasps for air before
the man starts fucking her. The feeling of fullness easing as his dick pulls
out, offering a sliver of relief for Riley, before the man rams his dick back
inside her all at once. Faster and faster the man thrusts, his hips working
hard as he fucks into Riley.
Being forced to remember, Riley hugs herself, trying to be quiet, as she takes
in deep breaths, crying alone in her bed. Sadness cries along with her. The
sounds of the man’s pleasure echo in headquarters as Riley squeezes her eyes
closed, desperately trying to block out what happened.
He leans forward, grunting as he thrusts into her, Riley’s body goes limp in
the memory. It doesn’t stop the man; he just hikes up her legs so he can push
into her as far as he can go, making Riley bite her lip hard as her body is
forced to spread open as his dick relentlessly pistons inside her. The sounds
of his hips slapping against her accompanies every jarring thrust. Her body
jolts back and forth on the bed as the man’s fevered groans echo in the room.
Sadness curls up a little on the floor of headquarters. It’s gotten so much
colder as the memory plays. The man fucks Riley in sharp thrusts that feel like
they go on forever until he suddenly stops, buried deep inside her. The seconds
stretch by and Riley is forced to relive the feeling of his dick spreading her
open. They both know this isn’t the end of the memory, no matter how Riley’s
mind lingers over the feeling of it. Finally the memory starts playing again
and the man pulls out suddenly so he can flip Riley over.
He positions her face down into the bed, one of his hands fisted into her hair,
while the other hand tugs her ass up. His knees knock into hers, pushing her
legs further apart, leaving her to scrambling against the comforter to keep her
balance.
Riley rubs her fists hard against her eyes as she and Sadness remember this.
Sadness wishes again that there was something she could do. Everything feels so
gray and lifeless in these moments in the dark, when Sadness just wants to make
it stop. But nothing she’s ever done seems to work and sometimes in the cold
darkness she thinks she would do anything to make it possible. That thought
scares her so badly that she crosses her arms and digs her fingers in hard, not
trusting herself.
She always makes a promise on those nights: she has to tell the other emotions.
She has to come clean and ask for help. And yet, in the light of day and Joy’s
smiling face, Sadness always falters. She hates herself then, spending the day
tired and exhausted, wishing she wasn’t a coward.
But in the last few months Joy’s been staring off into space, and even when the
other emotions try to interact with her it’s like she’s not connecting with
them. She seems just as tired as Sadness, and that scares Sadness more than any
of the other changes in the emotions, because Joy is so central to Riley.
Without Joy, Riley would be lost.
It feels as if, little by little, Joy is fading away. Growing dimmer and
dimmer. Sadness doesn’t know what to do or what it means. Why is Joy fading?
How can she tell Joy about any of this when there’s something already wrong?
What if Sadness only makes it worse?
Sadness shakes her head. She can’t think about that right now. Joy is fine.
In the memory, Riley looks out at the room, startled to see her reflection in a
mirror on the back of the door. Her face is streaked with tears and she looks
lost and scared and so small, her naked body overshadowed by the man. It feels
like it should be a nightmare but it really happened, and for a chunk of last
summer continued to happen over and over again.
Riley used to be so excited when the man singled her out during practice. He’d
called her talented, and both Riley and her parents had believed and trusted
him. Now the man she used to idealize seems like a monster.
He towers over her, his handsome face distorted in malicious glee, and Sadness
knows this is the moment when Riley realizes that the man enjoys hurting her.
But it’s also when Riley realizes there’s nothing she can do to stop it. He
scoots in close behind her, holding her down, and she squirms when she feels
his dick rubbing between her legs and into her pussy. The blunt shape of it
slides back in between her folds as the man rubs it up and down just outside
her entrance.
The man’s laughter seems so loud in the memory as he keeps rubbing his dick
around Riley’s pussy, pushing it into her opening until Riley cries out at the
stretch before pulling it out to rub into her again.
She doesn’t know it back then, but now Riley knows that this is the moment when
the man decides if he’s going to fuck her in the ass or not. But that hasn’t
happened yet, this is just the first time he fucks her pussy. It hadn’t seemed
real before, back when it had been just a crush, and then a strange punishment.
Now it’s a nightmare she can’t escape. How can she explain that at first she
wanted it? She’d wanted him to like her, to pay attention to her, to touch her,
but not like this.
Finally the memory stops replaying those moments of the man rubbing his dick on
Riley over and over and moves forward, showing the part of the memory where the
man pushes himself a little bit into Riley and lets go of her hair. There’s a
rush of relief as Riley takes the opening to try to lunge away, desperate to
escape. There is a break in the memory while Riley has a daydream where she
actually manages to get away. But the original memory starts back up almost
right away, with the man grabbing her hips with both hands and easily yanking
her back against him. The sound of panting is loud in the room as Riley
struggles until she runs out of steam.
The man says something almost sweet as he repositions her so his dick is once
again touching her. Riley still thinks about his words even now. They were so
kind and comforting, he told her that it would all be okay. It gave her hope
for a brief moment before the coach pushed himself completely back inside her
again.
The feeling of the man’s dick moving inside her still haunts Riley. She can
feel every inch of it as it retreats before it’s shoved back inside her, his
knees forcing her legs wider apart, while the memory lingers over his hands
holding her hips tightly.
Back then Riley watched it all in the mirror, seeing the man’s face twisted in
pleasure, the grunts and moans in counterpoint to the slapping sounds and the
ache of him pounding her pussy. It made Riley feel like she was disconnected
and floating above everything and yet she was still there, trapped under the
man as he carved out a deep aching wound between her legs. The whole
headquarters went completely dark back then—ice on every surface—with the
images on the screen of the man fucking Riley as the only source of light.
Even now, Riley can’t forget; she’s still there trapped under him in her head.
His sweaty body pushes her down into the bed as he fucks her. Back then it felt
like it went on forever, her pussy going almost numb as she clawed at the
comforter in desperation. In the memory, it seems to loop over and over, making
Sadness curl herself into a tighter ball as it plays continuously. Until
finally, the memory moves forward and the man’s hips jerk out of their rhythm.
With a deep satisfied moan, the man’s body slams once more into Riley,
collapsing on her, pinning her to the bed, and shoving his dick deep inside her
while his hips shudder.
Trapped under the man, Riley freaks out, and even now alone in her bed she
gasps for air as she claws at the sheets. She can still feel the panting
breaths of the man hot against her head and the crushing weight of his body as
he lay on top of her. In the memory she whimpers and struggles in vain before
he finally moves to the side—just enough that she can breathe, but not enough
to get free. Riley scrubs at her eyes, remembering how the man ignored her
tears to kiss her face, saying sweet things to her as he stretched a bit on top
of her, still holding her down.
His dick stayed inside her. The feeling of being painfully full of the man’s
dick is something that chases Riley in her dreams and one of the reasons that
Sadness took over dream duty. The other emotions had started to ask strange
question about sex dreams.
They should have realized that something was wrong with the coach before any of
this happened. Sadness remembers how Riley used to feel weird when the man
touched her on the ice, when he’d move her body around. The hot press of his
hands as they lingered and stroked over her clothing and on her skin. Fear
always freaked out, said it made him feel weird, that he felt scared around the
coach. But the emotions had all written that off as a part of Riley’s crush;
her crushes had made all of them feel weird.
Sadness blames herself the most. She should have been honest and told the other
emotions about the punishments long ago.
In the memory Riley lies there for a long time after the man slides himself out
of her body. The coach had offered a crass bit of praise and then a touch of
sweetness before he smacked Riley’s ass, as if this was what she had wanted.
The uncomfortable wet feeling of the man’s come as it leaks out of her body
lingered, making Riley clench her legs together even now, remembering how gross
it felt.
At the time Riley isn’t expecting the man to come back into the room, the
memory seems to linger over the moment she startles and tries to get up but
can’t because it hurts too much. Riley remembers the shame she felt when the
man took out his camera and snapped a photo of her before moving in closer to
take a close up of her pussy. The coach gleefully describes to Riley just what
her pussy looks like as he takes photo after photo of her.
Riley ends up believing the man when he said he’d ruined her, afraid to look
between her legs for days afterward. The pain inside her was a constant
sensation.
Back then he’d rolled her over so he could spread her pussy agonizingly back
open and take more photos of her. The rest of it blurs together but clears up
when the man starts to run a wet cloth down her body, slowly cleaning her up.
It feels almost nice until he starts washing between her legs. It hurts and
Riley starts shaking again begging the man to stop, but he doesn’t care about
that. He’s too busy tugging her legs open so he can get her ‘dirty little cunt’
really clean, only to pause, looking at her pussy with a cruel smile on his
face.
Back then Riley had desperately wanted to go home already, her excitement for
hockey camp all but gone after only one night. She was supposed to be safe here
with other students, but yet she had a room all by herself where the coach
could come and go as he pleased. In the days that followed all sorts of things
happened to Riley in that room. No one noticed.
But in the memory the man just stares and stares between Riley’s legs, his
mouth curling into a smirk before he moves forward.
Every time she watches it, Sadness tries to stop the memory before this point,
pulling and tugging at the it, but like every other time it just won’t budge
and continues to play.
The man holds Riley’s hips down as she struggles. Even though she begs him not
to, he leans in close and his wet tongue licks at her throbbing pussy. She
gasps at the burning feel of his tongue sliding into her, his stubble
scratching her abused flesh as he pushes in deep. In the memory Riley whines,
her hands shoving desperately at his face, the pain sharp as the gross,
unwanted feeling of his tongue explores her. Her legs squeeze together
uselessly against his face as she weeps, the man holding her right where he
wants her.
The man doesn’t let her go until her body’s gone limp and she’s broken and
weeping silently.
He tells her what a good girl she’s been for him, but she doesn’t feel good.
She feels slick down there. Riley hates it.
Riley still remembers how excited she was to make the team, during the
practices, the games. How much she loved her new coach. The desperate need to
be liked by him, to earn his compliments, and when finally she had worked hard
enough for his praise, how she had soaked it up like a sponge. When he said
that she was good, but could be better if she went to his summer camps, she
begged her parents to be able to go. When he started punishing her in secret
she didn’t know what to do or how to feel. But she realized soon after that the
coach could show up anywhere. He stopped by their house whenever he wanted, he
hung out with her dad to watch games together, and joked with her mom. Riley
couldn’t get away from him or the casual arm he’d throw over her shoulder
without causing a scene or being punished later.
So Riley and Sadness keep secrets.
If this is what Riley really wanted, why does she hate it so much?
Sadness knows that Riley has made so many excuses for the things the coach has
done to her. Even those times later, when Riley would make a mistake out on the
ice and later he’d punish her by forcing her to bend over so he could slowly
work the back end of her brand new hockey stick into her; even then Sadness
knew Riley wanted to believe that she’d done something to deserve it.
The hockey stick had been a present from him for her birthday and now she can’t
bear to look at it.
But that comes much later. In this memory, when the man finally releases Riley
from his grasp, she struggles to cover herself. He’s telling her something as
she carefully pulls her underwear and pajamas on. Sadness remembers it was all
about how she had performed on the ice that day, as if the man was only her
coach and hadn’t just fucked Riley for the first time so hard that she could
barely stand. The burning, shooting pain in her pussy was so intense that
remembering it still makes Riley tear up.
In the memory when the coach finally gets up so Riley can crawl back into the
bed, he grabs her, wrapping his giant arms around her even though Riley
struggles against him, so he can whisper in Riley’s ear that she did really
well for her first time. The man tells her he’s looking forward to spending a
lot of time together before kissing her head, his hands rubbing up and down her
body. Riley shudders as if she’s standing on a cliff, averting her eyes when
the man lets her go. Glancing at his smile, Riley realizes that this is only
the beginning, but all she does is look down again and nod meekly. She says
something stupid, crawling under the covers, but they both know that the coach
is going keep coming into the room to do whenever he wants with Riley.
He’ll keep fucking her and there’s nothing she can do about it.
Her parents have paid so much for the training, for the summer camps, and
they’re so amazed with how much progress Riley is showing. Their eyes light up
in joy every time they can see how much she’s improved. The fact that the man
is actually a good coach makes Riley hate him even more.
Finally the memory stops playing. Immediately, the light goes out and plunges
the headquarters into darkness as the bright blue memory falls to the floor.
Sadness lunges for it, grabbing it before it can roll away. She looks out,
realizing that the screen is dark and Riley has finally fallen back to sleep.
Sadness rolls over and lays there for a bit crying. And then she gets up and
pulls all of the core memories that feature the man out of Riley’s core. The
memories don’t want to come out, but finally she manages to work them free.
Sadness puts the regular core memories carefully back where they should be,
trying not to touch them too long.
The bright deep blue pile of memories featuring the man sit in the middle of
the floor. It’s an impressive amount and Sadness is overwhelmed by the sheer
number of them. She really should put them away again, but Sadness doesn’t,
instead she melts onto the floor and lays there motionless.
Sadness keeps thinking that she can handle this, but she’s in way over her head
and it feels like she’s drowning.
It’s been less than a year since the man got a better job and moved away from
them and yet Riley is still thinking about these memories, still replaying them
late at night. Recently they’ve started bothering her throughout the day as
well, little flashes of memories that the other emotions don’t understand.
These memories aren’t going away.
Maybe tomorrow, Sadness promises herself, she’ll finally show these memories to
the other emotions. Tomorrow when Riley doesn’t have school. When they can be
alone to fall apart. Sadness doesn’t know how the other emotions will take it,
or what they’ll do when Sadness admits that she’s been lying to them for so
long. But Sadness needs to do this.
Sadness gets up and gathers the pile of memories, pushing them into hiding
space after hiding space. Some she sends down to long term storage—there are
just too many to hide up here. It takes her a few trips but finally they are
hidden away again and Sadness stops for a bit to listen to Riley breathing as
she sleeps. On the screen Sadness is playing a happy memory in the hopes that
it will make Riley feel better.
Tomorrow, Sadness will try gathering Joy, Anger, Disgust, and Fear so she can
show them what’s weighing so heavily on Riley’s mind. Maybe this time she’ll
muster up her courage and face the music.
But for now the memories are out of sight, out of mind.
End Notes
     Brief non-consensual sexual acts that I didn't tag for: spanking,
     handjobs, blowjobs, anal sex, cunnilingus, object insertion, and nude
     photos.
     Thanks so much to my three wonderful beta readers, I tried to fix as
     much as I could!
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